unknowns

My double mastectomy is tomorrow. This is the final section in the cancer chapter of my life. Am I scared? You bet I am. I’ve been taking Xanax basically around the clock for the past several days. But do you know how I know I can do this? Because look at all the hard things I’ve done in the past six years.

I’ve been pregnant twice, recovered from 2 c-sections. I lived through a divorce and raising my two crazy and wonderful boys on my own (with the help of my mom). I went through 5 months of chemo…and never threw up once. It’s all been an emotional roller coaster and I loathe roller coasters but I did all of these things. I had to. To bring life, to be happy, to survive.

All of that to say…I’m scared as hell. It’s a 12 hour surgery. What if they find something bad? What if the tissue from my stomach doesn’t connect to make my new boobs? What if I don’t wake up? What if I don’t like how I look after? What if I don’t feel like me?

So this is the lesson I’m working on learning right now. Letting it go. I will have 0 control over everything happening in my life tomorrow. I will be in some lovely la la land while my surgeons and nurses and anesthesiologists use their vast knowledge to take out what wants to kill me and put me back together. I have to trust that they will take care of me. I have to trust that they can do hard things too.