How to warm up

I read a study once that said a person is a certain percentage kinder and more empathetic when holding something warm, like a cup of coffee or tea. I’ve always found this to be such a sweet idea. Feeling stressed? Hold a warm cup.

So that’s what this blog is going to be for me: my warm cup, a safe space without judgement, a way to wallow in melancholy until I make it out the other side.

This is an introduction.

I’ve had anxiety my entire life. Though, it wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I had a name to put on my feelings. I’ve always felt everything to the maximum. Everyone gets anxious about tests. I’d get anxious, make myself sick, and then fail them. Or get so worked up about the seventh grade because being 12 was absolutely horrible that I’d have to run off the bus and barf up strawberry Pop Tarts outside the girl’s bathroom.

I started going to counseling in college after the brutal breakup of a weird relationship. That’s when I learned that I’d been having panic attacks. I would wake up about an hour after I had gone to bed. My legs would be shaking. I’d have cold sweats. My heart would be racing so fast I could see it beat from the outside. I felt like I was going to simultaneously throw up and die.

Needless to say, I’ve been on some cocktail of antidepressants for over 10 years. Dosages have changed a few times. I’ve switched meds, added others, used certain meds as an emergency coping mechanism. But I’ve always had them. And I’m ok with that. I’ve also dabbled in cognitive therapy here and there. They always try to dig up something traumatic in my childhood. Fortunately for me and seemingly unfortunately to most of my therapists, I had a pretty normal childhood. I’m basically trauma-less. I’m just an anxious lady.

Recently, my life has taken a major left turn. I’ll dive into all of that later. But what this is all for is for me to record my feelings, validate them, let them sit with me if I want them to, and then to let them go. I tend to hold onto things far longer and way harder than I ever should.

My current lesson in life is patience. Patience with myself, my babes, potential partners, friends, family. Can a person who feels so much have patience? That’s what I’m hoping to find out.