I keep thinking I should be documenting this weird time we’re living in. But every time I think about it, I start to panic. The anxiety hangs over me like a hum. Sometimes it’s loud and can only be drowned out by a Xanax. Sometimes I can barely hear it but then my kindergartner asks me a question about his math school work and I have to Google what the hell verticies are. So the anxiety is always there. This isn’t new territory for me. What is new territory is navigating my health and cancer treatment while there is a literal worldwide pandemic.
The pandemic really ramped up the day before my third chemo treatment. I had come to terms with the fact that my life was going to be weird and sometimes awful in the coming months. I knew I’d feel pretty crappy a lot of the days. I’d be more tired. My hair (all of my hair) would fall out. My taste would change and I’d be nauseous. I could handle all of that for a few months. It wouldn’t be fun but I could do it. But then everything changed. We knew this virus was coming. We didn’t know just how it would effect our every day.
We’ve had to change our parenting plan. Since my ex-husband is a pharmacist, he’s essential. He has to work so people can have their meds. This means he comes into contact with god knows how many people per day. He comes into contact with the people who aren’t taking this seriously. The people who just have to get out of the house so they go to one of the only places open, the pharmacy. What they don’t realize is that they’re putting him at risk of coming into contact with COVID-19. If he had it, he could pass it to the kids, who could then pass it to me. Which is why we’ve made the difficult decision to keep the kids at my house until all of this is over. He hasn’t seen his own children in weeks. And won’t see them for weeks more. Obviously, they’re video chatting. But can you put yourself in his shoes for 2 seconds? To keep me and his children safe from the virus and all the asshats who will not abide by the stay home order, he is not seeing his children. So when I get livid about people not staying home, this is why. The more you go out, the longer the rest of us have to stay in. The longer the kids don’t see their dad. The longer I have to deal with the mom guilt of being a sub par home school teacher. It makes me SO mad that I can’t even find the words to voice it.
My anxiety has been manifesting at anger lately. I’m angry because I have cancer. I’m angry because I learned about my cancer right after I decided to be a stay at home mom again. I’m angry because I have to deal with treatment during a pandemic. I’m angry because it feels like the fate of Oliver’s education rests in my exhausted hands. I’m angry because of mom guilt. I’m angry because what was supposed to just be difficult is feeling nearly impossible to get through. I’m angry because people are just living life as normal. Nothing is normal.
So cry me a river because you’re bored at home. Go read a book. Bake a cake. Take a nap. For the love of god, please stay home so we can all get through this on the other side. Order your groceries once a week. Don’t go to Walgreens unless you absolutely HAVE to. Wash your hands. Maybe pretend your life depends on it, because mine does.
Warming Up 