“You guys aren’t supposed to be getting along,” his attorney said. And no, I guess we shouldn’t be getting along. I should be vindictive and ruthless and horrible. He deserves it and then some, that’s for sure. But we walked into the courthouse downtown together on the morning of our divorce hearing. It was like walking into a coffee shop. I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t mad. In fact, I felt nothing…just nothing.
It’s been one and a half years since I felt my stomach drop to the floor and my heart beat through my chest. It only took me seconds to decide what I was going to do but it took me months to put my plan into motion. One and a half years of planning and moving and organizing and saving and spending and worrying and worrying more. One and a half years of learning who I am. One and a half years of remembering what it’s like to feel, what it’s like to be touched, what it’s like to be wanted.
So maybe that’s why when the magistrate said our divorce was so ordered by the court I expected to feel something. Was I expecting confetti and balloons to fall from the ceiling when she hit that gavel? Was I expecting fireworks and fanfare and a New Orleans style parade down the courthouse steps? I mean, I guess not but I would have welcomed it. I was expecting to feel relief, joy, gratitude, closure. But I literally felt nothing. I waited the whole day to feel something. I thought for sure it would hit me like a ton of bricks later in the day. But still, nothing.
I also expected a barrage of texts and phone calls and flowers and a cake. That’s what happens when you get married so why shouldn’t it happen when you get a divorce? But still, nothing. It’s just this really lonely thing.
Divorce is something that happens to you. Of course, it happens to your partner and your kids too but not in the way that it happens to you. When you get married, everyone is always around to help you make every decision (cake, food, dress, stationary, registry, hair, make up, flowers, and the list goes on forever). Everyone is with you literally every step of the way. But when you get a divorce, it’s just you. You’re SO alone. It’s the time of your life when you need all those people and all of that support and it’s just not there. No one knows how to act around you. It’s like you have a contagious disease and god forbid anyone get too close and have take a hard look at their own relationship.
This was my decision so I should be totally okay with it, right? And I am totally okay with it but that does not mean that I didn’t/still don’t struggle with the aftershock. It’s just very strange to be a feeler who isn’t feeling anything.
All of this to say…what the fuck is my problem? My divorce wasn’t good enough for me. I even set those expectations too high. I’m consistent, you have to give me that.
Warming Up 