I’m about to get vulnerable and honest and brave. Or at least just vulnerable and honest.
I am struggling. I am struggling in basically every facet of life. My stress level is the highest it’s ever been and it’s making me break out like 13 year old. In true Emma fashion, I’m going to make a list of my sources of stress. Maybe they won’t look so bad. Maybe they’ll look so much worse. But at least I’ll be able to see them and then maybe I can make a plan.
My divorce will be final next week. And while this is what I’ve wanted all along, the actual idea of going to court and hashing it out is terrifying. It doesn’t have to be horrible and I really hope it isn’t. It’s just so much. And endings are always sad.
I got a puppy and here is why that was a horrible idea: there’s more poop in my life, it was a stupid financial decision, everyone is judging me for it, she’s in a crate all day, and I just do not have the patience to take care of one more living thing. Hell, even all of my plants have died. It’s a wonder the kids and I are still breathing.
Oliver is adjusting to his new school and it’s taking a toll on him. I think he likes it for the most part but I just worry about him being there and having to make new friends. I know I project my anxiety onto him and I try really hard not to. His behavior has just been pretty awful lately. He’s throwing tantrums like a 3 year old when he doesn’t get his way. I’m kind of at a loss with him right now. We just aren’t clicking.
I’m constantly worried that I’m being a sucky mom. I know every mom gets this feeling from time to time but with me, lately anyway, it’s been pretty constant. Am I spending enough time with them? Am I engaged when I am spending time with them? Are they learning the correct social skills so they won’t grow up to be sociopaths? How do I fix what I’m doing wrong? Do they know I love them? Are they actually happy?
The guilt I feel for working all day is nearly overwhelming. I don’t get to do school drop off or pick up. I don’t get to hang out with Henry while Oliver is at school. I’m missing out on these major every day things and it breaks my heart. And I do like the independence I have working and living on my own but this is not how I wanted to raise my children. A lot of the time, I feel like a third string parent.
My obsessive thoughts have been out of control. I’m literally thinking of a million things all at once. There’s nothing that ever has my full attention because one thought is always fighting with another thought which is fighting with another thought…repeat forever.
I’m alone. I hate it. Pretty self explanatory.
I don’t feel supported lately. I feel very much alone in more ways than one. I know I should just reach out (and maybe this is my way of doing it because I’m a weenie) but I actually don’t always want to be the needy girl. I know that’s who I am in my core but maybe I want to appear that I have it together. In reality, I don’t have anything together.
So that’s what’s happening now. I’m on the struggle bus. Actually, I’m driving the struggle bus and I’m completely lost. But I have to keep going. Eventually, I’ll park the struggle bus and get off of it…and then set it on fire.
Warming Up 