You know how sometimes you’re so strong for too long and then you see something (like a video of a guy playing “You’ve Got A Friend In Me” on his guitar to his dog) and you just lose it? That’s me today.
I feel like I’ve been holding it all together pretty well, for the most part. I’ve never been good at hiding my emotions or faking it for very long. The way I see it, we don’t have a lot of time to pussy foot around our feelings. But sometimes, whether for self preservation or just because it’s not socially acceptable to cry every second of the day or to punch everyone we see, we have to push those feelings down. Then they build up. They bubble and grow and mutate into huge monsters and then you see something that strikes just the right chord with you and the monster has to be let out.
I don’t normally let the monsters get very big. I didn’t even feel this one growing. But it’s a culmination of things. Divorce stress. Work stress. Lack of love life stress. Snotty kid stress. It’s so fucking hot stress. Expectation vs reality stress. And then my mom sent me that video. Cue the ugly crying into my black cherry White Claw. My cat is looking at me like an idiot. I had to cancel plans with my soul sister. And so now I’m sitting in the quiet, typing into the abyss hoping that I can make some sense of all this mess.
Here’s a thing weighing heavy on my heart right this second…I’m coming to terms with the fact that I settle. I lie to myself and say that I can deal with personality flaws or just general relationship incompatibility. I lie and tell myself that this is a “lesson” and maybe this will help me learn to slow it down and not jump into every damn thing with two feet. But is that really a bad thing? Who said jumping in was bad? Who said we have to dip our toe in first and wait 30 minutes after eating to jump in? Seriously. Who fucking said that? Because I think it’s bullshit. I’m not wired that way. I FEEL. And whatever it is that I’m feeling, I go with it. I’m not saying that my way of doing things is the right way or that people who use logic are worse or better off. I just like to feel.
I’m over searching for the lesson in all of this mess. Or maybe that’s the lesson. I learned that I feel and that I like to feel and that I am not going to not feel in this lifetime.
So. What do you do when you’re a feeler and you’re falling into a “relationship” (I use that term loosely) with someone who needs to take all the time in the world? I’ll tell you what you do. You strangle that little “relationship” until it can’t breathe anymore and it never gets to actually blossom into anything resembling a not quote, unquote relationship. It never gets to grow into a capital R Relationship. You do this once. Then a few months later, you do it again. And then another few months pass and you decide you haven’t quite learned your lesson so let’s just give it another go. Third time’s a charm.
And then you (I) badger and whine and write narratives and expect things. And then the worst thing happens. Reality.
If you’re me, reality looks like this. It’s Thursday night. I worked late. My kids are with their dad. I was going to go see my soul sister sing but then I cried off all my makeup thinking about my dog who died 9 months ago. And I texted him (not the dog…an as of now nameless him).
I want one thing SO much that I’m afraid I’m squeezing it out of existence. I’m holding onto the tiny bit of what’s there so tightly that it might actually disintegrate in my hands.
My reality is learning to be alone. All I’ve learned is that I really fucking hate it.
Warming Up 