Another day, another foray into what I expect to be the real thing. But this is a real thing I’ve chased before. Twice before, actually. You know that saying? “Fool me once, shame on you…” What happens if you get to fool me three times? Where does the shame fall then?
I’m well aware that he could be reading this right now. (Hello!) But I’ve decided not to hide anymore. In previous relationships, I felt like I had to hide a bit of me. Sometimes, it was the most important bit of me. In every relationship with a boy/man I’ve ever been in (and I say boy because I count the high school and college relationships and they were still boys), I’ve had to water myself down. Dull my sparkle a little bit. Dim my light. And so on. I had to hide what I thought and god forbid I actually share those thoughts with the world! But I like to share. I’m an over-sharer in my core. It brings us together and lets us know we’re not alone, even if we feel like we are.
Here I am now, telling you and him and her and the world and probably most importantly, myself that I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m going to be unapologetically me. I’m going to make my choices. I’ll deal with the consequences when I fuck up. I’ll bask in the sunshine when I do the right thing. I’ll own all of it.
Maybe this new found sense of freedom in making my own decisions and owning it comes from the lessons I’ve learned in the past year. I’ve had to make some really big ones. It hasn’t been easy. Not by a long shot. But it’s been freeing. I’m not stuck. I got to start over. I got to redefine myself as a single, thirty-something mom and not feel guilty or afraid about it. Though, sometimes I do still feel guilty and afraid but those episodes are getting farther and farther apart.
And maybe some of this freedom comes from attempting to date the same person three times. I feel like maybe I put up a really big front the first time. I tried too hard. I tried to be perfect and easy going. And sister, that just is not me. I’m NOT easy going. I’m a lot. But most men are intimidated by that so I learned to water that down. The second time, I dropped the veil a little bit. And this time, he knows exactly what he’s getting into. He knows I like/need definitions and plans and all the attention.
So I guess to answer my earlier question about who the shame falls on…well it won’t be me. Because I know what I’m doing and I know who I am and I’m not watering it down for any damn body. Oh, and he has a really cute dog…so that helps…
Warming Up 