There are a lot of things happening in my life that I never thought I’d have to deal with. For instance, taking the trash out on trash nights and being the only grown up in my house. Or opening the mail and seeing instructions on when to show up to your divorce mediation and then your following court date. Though, that’s something nearly half of all American couples end up dealing with (except for my generation…yet another thing millennials are ruining, divorce). And that’s precisely what I’m dealing with right now.
But the hardest part, so far, has been dealing with my own apathy towards it. I’m a feeler. I expected to feel SOMETHING once I knew the date when it’d be final. But I opened the envelope and it was kind of like getting a reminder to schedule my next eye exam (which I actually need to do). I just popped it in my calendar and went about opening up the rest of my mail.
I’m sure I’ll feel different when the day draws closer and we actually have to talk about all the details. But I’ve literally been shrugging my shoulders about it for days. This is not a reaction I am used to. I’m not enraged. I’m not sad. I’m not happy either. I’m just indifferent.
That’s the main reason I turned away from my marriage…indifference. I can’t NOT feel. I refuse to just exist. I want every relationship I have to be all encompassing. My relationships with partners, my friends, my family, my children. I want to be IN those relationships 100%, all the time. I refuse to live this half me, watered down existence that I’ve been in for the past how ever many years. That’s not me. Well, it was me. But it’s not me anymore. I know that’s a lot to handle. I know that I’ll drive some people away because of the amount of attention I require. And that’s ok. Those aren’t my people. I need people who feel just as much as I do.
And so it looks like I might actually be nearing the end of this chapter of my life, the “what the fuck am I doing?” chapter. Or maybe that’s just the title of the book of my life. All I know is, this will be the end of me not feeling. From now on, I’m going to feel whatever feeling I have and I’m going to lean into it. Hard.
Warming Up 